Another One Bites the Dust…Or, I Have Hope for Myself, After All

That’s right. I’m back. Back and better than ever! I recently lost about two hundred pounds. Yep. I’ve re-entered the kingdom of Singledom. As it turns out, the one that I thought was “the one” was in fact most certainly not the one for me. I chalk it all up to another bump in the road with the apropos phrase “another one bites the dust”.

The season of renewal and growth is upon us and thus I find this latest occurrence in my personal life rather fitting. I’ve decided it’s time to really focus on investing time in myself and exploring who I am (again. But this time to do it more than a couple/few months). At thirty-one, I figure it’s time to get that figured out…or rather to continue the journey. With my time not invested in someone else, I now have the opportunity to delve deeper into myself; what makes me tick? What makes me happy? And the better question: Why am I not doing what makes me happy? Where do I actually want to live?

I’ve found that when I am in a relationship, a lot of my personal goals go by the wayside; for some reason, I can’t seem to juggle focus very well. Does everyone struggle with this or am I on my own here? I’ve decided to hit the reset button on my priorities and to reassess my goals now that life’s circumstances have changed:

#1 Get back to writing on a regular basis.

#2 Start playing music again. And possibly *gasp* start writing music again. The prospect of which scares the ever-loving shit out of me. Possibly start taking mandolin lessons.

#3 Make a concentrated effort to expand my culinary abilities.

#4 Continue hiking and *trying* to form myself into a shape that is a little less round.

#5 Start thinking seriously about moving. No really. I mean it this time.

#6 Start saving. No really. I mean it this time.

#7 Do not get distracted from any of the above goals.

After I pulled myself together, I realized that I was going to find myself with time that I hadn’t had in several months. After all, I wasn’t going to be commuting to anyone anymore. I was going to have weekends back to myself. I wasn’t going to need to be tied to my phone at night anymore. At first, the thought of breaking all of the above habits was going to be overwhelming. But then something beautiful happened. My mind opened up and I had a moment of clarity; I remembered that there are no rules and I can do what I want with my time. In fact, I can do whatever I want in regard to *all* of my life. There is no rule in stone saying I have to stay in one place or that I must do anything in particular. Those thoughts are liberating in what can be a very scary time of transition. I have hope for myself after all.

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Epiphanies & Self-Realization

Well, it has finally happened. It only took 13 years for it to happen, but it happened.  I’ve had my “AH HA!” moment. You know the moment I’m talking about. It’s the thought that happens out of the blue that makes you realize something huge and life changing.

It all happened because of a date. Not a bad date, but not a knock my socks off date either. Just a date. A date with yet another guy that I met on Match.com. Ah yes, internet dating. I fully intend to delve deep into my (mis)adventures of online dating at another time. I’ll disclose the good, the bad and the worst.

Back to my moment of epiphany. I found myself sitting across from a fellow 11 years older than me. I knew the age difference; my hope was that this one (as opposed to a very long string of guys I’ve been out with in the past three years) would actually have his life together (i.e. good job, steady pay check, and actual interests). It couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes into our first (and last) date that I was sitting across from a man waxing philosophical and romantic and stated (and I swear this is true), “I can’t WAIT to be married again! I can’t WAIT to be in love again. I loved being married.”

That’s when it started. An alarm went off. I’m sure my eyes became as wide as frisbees. I just looked at him and replied, “Really??”    A little light started to glow above my head right then.

While this one claimed to have a good job and while we had okay conversation, “it” simply wasn’t there. I wasn’t feeling it. No chemistry.  After I endured a horrible kiss and hastily accepted another date just to get the guy out of my vehicle, I went home, all the while the little light that started to go off after his remarks at dinner became blazingly bright and my inner voice began screaming. My inner voice repeatedly screeched: “EEEEWWW! I do not want to be married again. I don’t even want to be in love again. And, more importantly, I don’t want any part of a romantic relationship!” I started feeling a sense of panic at the prospect of being lassoed into another’s plans and schedule. I felt constricted and confined. I felt short of breath.

As I was getting ready for bed and I began contemplating the inner voice that loudly went off unexpectedly, I began to smile and my inner voice started again (this time in a much more soothing and less alarmingly loud tone). This time it sounded a little more like this: “Hey you. Yea you, with the face? You are okay. You are actually not only content, but happy with your life as it is. And, you know that ever elusive quest that you have been on since you were 16 for a guy/dude/man so you could “be happy” and “feel fulfilled”? It’s made you self-conscious, neurotic and unhappy. It’s made you unhappy because you are not going to find “happiness” in another person. Nor is another person going to fulfill you. While you were out running around chasing after someone to bring you happiness, you were just taking your path to this moment.” Then, I smiled and I went to sleep.

Now, onto the reason for this blog, or as I will refer to it, My Piece of Cyber Space. This is just part of my quest in further self actualization and self-improvement. I intend to write about things that make me happy: music, books, baking, cooking, wine & cider, gardening, yoga and hiking. I’ll probably misuse punctuation and I’ll finish sentences with prepositions. I hope to improve my writing skills and form a strong writing voice. But, more than anything, I hope to explore my interests, become more informed and record my journey using this space.  I’m so excited to be doing this and I can’t wait to get started!

To anyone who decides to take this journey with me, hang on tight. This is going to be fun.